Tuesday, April 28, 2009 3:42 PM

just had lunch and here i am still with school uniform and smoking in my bloody room which cozens me...huhu.
i love it when after a meal i smoke.it just feels nice.
hor smokers?
haha.
today was quite stressful.was mt paper mann.i dont think i did well.for paper 2 i did well.but for paper 1 sucks mann.my malay is basic malay like primary sch malay.reasons..i dont speak malay at home,i dont really have alot of malay friends even if i do i would talk to them in english except for some familiar ones.my malay was cocked up.during exam i had to turn to poy to ask syaqinah wad is ic in malay and lots more of words.and there goes my last stick of ciggarettes for the day i guess.gees..im bankrupt thanks to ciggy and food and food.oh gosh! gotta to cut down on food mann.just before lunch seen a few vidoes on youtube by the syncta.omg! its so funny that i kept on laughing and laughing.and yet im falling in love with a guy called jake.hes just so cool. but things are playing on my mind now wandering are they gays? lol.
read a lot of comments on them that they are hot gays.wtf?
fucking handsome la.hee..i have a fetish on caucasians guys..idk y..but as when one of them approached me i would be scared to death.hahah.weird huh?
today a bit of disspointment happened.but dont feel like saying it out bcos some one has been reading my blog recently.anddd it scares me.wanna noe who??its homies mann..
GAWD!
today got free shoutings from ben..wahh he shout damn loud till my ear drums can burst i tell you..but what i did was just shutt upp and ask him not to shout at me again.but he did again and i hacked care.
to gregory ho .im really sorry for what ive done to you.
i really am.its like commonla out of stress u tell me the things that i dont want to hear then i made the wrong move that will take you some time to realise or forgive me.i dont really care but i know my doing to you its never wrong.when i wanted to shake its not bcos of stress or anything its bcos of fun and addicted.when i really wanted the shake, WHY??BCOS.. the addictions of me ur all got see?how bad it was?how bad was my flu?how bad my rashes came up?bcos of u guys ive been taking things that i shouldnt take bcos i love you all and i know u treasure me as much as i do to the rest.once againn try to forgive me.cos i will feel very awkward when im with you.
i didnt mean what i did to you.its bcos of the love i have for you hurts me when u wanted such things out of anger.it hurts me to see u like tis.u know how much i cared for you and always i says that u r the best di.you are and will always be.



you made me dumbfounded when i saw the things u carried then made me walk away instead of staying.i faked a smile.you came in and knocked me boyy.love is just so painful.pain till really hurts deep till wanted to always hate you for life but i just couldnt bring myself to do it.

28 april 2009 marked the date that we have not been together for 2yrs and 4days.
we broke up just 3 days after our 1 yr anniversarry
did u even care?
did u even count?
did u bother ?
u dont and i did.all the pain is still safely kept in my heart for my ego and ur ego too..
u are also ego. over a stupid dumb woman and a bottle of an alchohol drink my hopes for you went to the drain.i did ask for an apology but u insisted that im still young and should enjoy life more.
cant we just enjoy it together?
whats past is past! we cant change it.and thats why theres the word called memories.i had good and bad ones with you.i will never be able to forget them.whenever im alone.its still fresh in my mind that you are always with me.even up to now sometimes when i talk to my friends bout you i would still call u boyfriend thenn slapped my mouth and continued the conversation.why do i do that? its bcos im still hoping that u will turn back to me one final day.when ure far away u missed me.when im near u dont.is that called love? i could easily just get into another relationship again but i know i cant when ure always still on my mind.fresh enough that i will always talk bout you.
i cant bear to be with another person just to forget you.i dont want that to happened thats why i chose not to be in a relationship.i missed ur hugs.i missed ur care for me.i missed ur pamper especially wen im having my period where you would stood the day by me just to take care of me.i reaally missed those.and the most is dancing with you in the rain after chingayy parade street dancing where u would run ur hands all over me and wouldnt let me go even for a second cos ure afraid that people would dance with me.hahahs.its still fresh boyy and here i am reminnicing it again.but now during my painful periods what do i get?
scoldings instead.=( from homies.
i want u back badly.='(
haisss....wish u were here just to give me a peck of kiss on my forehead when u normally do before we went our own ways.(home)

Friday, April 24, 2009 11:31 PM

im bored.
i really want to shake but homies are always disapproving of it.
i know its not good for me and etc but this is me.
you have to accept me no matter wad what.
today alnin say tat he has i was happy for a moment only before he took out the letters A,B,G
and tat stands for alnin,ben and gregory.i was like wtf??
and i said i never take la.i dont want take also and they continue saying tat u want or not and me always saying no.they always like to use violence on me never a time they use sweet words on me.
haiss if they were to do tat i would be over the moon...wee..but dream on. they will never do that.
today greg and ilana monthsary.i was really happy for them.hope they can make it through it with all their life.its nt simple but still possible.nothings impossible.
and omg!he bought it alr and im like dumbfounded for awhile and thinking wad to get him for his bdae.its like i planned le lei then he go buy.haiss...life is just so difficult!
tats is why i chose to be in my own world even it lasts for just a couple of hrs.the satisfaction is guranteed!
its been 3 mths now.i dont even bother taking his call or reply his msg cos i dont care nomore.
hope i make it throughout the year but i know i cant.
if i were to step in the club i know i would lose it.i wanna club real soon.. been ages since i spoil my ears with the loud music.hahas.

sa1 is just round the corner mann and im doing nothing; actually have.
revising very little and its never enough! i have like for science the whole book to revise and its like more than 16 chapters each.imagine all those formulas and stuffs.omg!
can go bonkers just by looking at them.


oh yaa..
my''bestfriend'' came after three full months and im happy it came but it was a pain in the ass.
i cant even do anything for two whole days.even on the second day.
i came back from sch and slept till the next morning.suangg arhh..felt the sore that i could not bear to even touch it.the cramps tat made homies got fed up of me.its true okay?im nt putting up an act! feeling much better now.


not forgetting.
alot of teachers had knew about my case and my suspension thing which made me angry.
i wish these news will not spread to mr roger khoo ears cause i dont want to made him worry bout me.cos he had enough of me when i was younger and whenever i would bump to him in school he would ask me if i was late or not and bo pian to tell him the truth but now most of it its not late and he would go on asking how were my studies and stuffs and etc.and i would just smile and walk away.cos i dont really like when teachers put high hopes on me ended up in the drain.
and actually now im feeling very useless cos i wanna get my suspension over and done with then only i will turn a new leaf.its like you know when are the dates but you havent get it done will feel very weird mahh.
was shocked when mr fernandez asked me also.
haiyaa..wads happening to me also idk.lack of love i think.hahas.

should i give up?
or
should i hang on?

Friday, April 17, 2009 8:35 PM

im happy today..idk why..just happy to know tat im happy.
oh crap!
not going to school for two days feels good and felt abit stupid at the same time.
thursday bcos got personal reason and today bcos plain lazy...
heard that only have 4 periods of lesson the rest entertainment!
boringgg but abit felt missed for missing the concert actually wanted to go but just lazy to wake up.
met homies in the morning for breakfast;greg and yongrong.eat alr slack at studycorner and talk boud porn early in the morning.in the morning alr talk boud porn obvously its not me laa its the boys!boys will be boys..
telling me how many porn they ve got and downloaded.i was like wtf??
then went back home at 930am then back to my bed and slept till 3pm..wahh suangg i tell youu..
=))
even i felt sth was missing i still pretend nth happened and move on with life!
i wonder when my judgement day will be cos my name is alr on the list yaww...
i aint afraid of anythng mann cos what i did is what she deserve even if its nt from me its gna be from the others.u really humilated me by telling the whole world.if i knew this would happened i would have given u worsed! so that my name wouldnt fall to the ground like ashes being blown away to the wind.asshole bitch!enough of you. no point talking over a spilled milk.its not worth it!
you are never going to be in my future anyway.stay away from me or else im not gna spare you at all.i dont care where you are from or what okayy..nobody tells me what to do!im old enough to think wads right and wrong for myself!

time checked-915pm
meeting homies at 10 plus..
super duper longg cos im fucking bored down here...
mums been bossing me around tiz few days..ask me do that la ask me do this la.
haiyerr..even go to shop arhh i really hate going to shop buying groceries..idk why..hehheheheh.
im worried for my coursework!im afraid i might not finish it in time.
saturday going out with girlfriends...wee......cant wait! cant wait!



i miss my bitch!

Monday, April 13, 2009 11:53 PM

i dont know whr to start but i know im gna blog today.
i should start with a good day then to a tiring day after lunch slept until tuition time.dint go tuition.skipped as per normal cos i hate mondays.i have mondays blues..so pardon me for being clumsy,late,nosey and etc la.
met homies.ben and alnin cut their hair to botak very nice to play i tell you.but too bad maybe today will be my first and last cos fight with ben and walked away.never ever in my life i walked away from my friends but today he made me to do it.reasons for making me walk away was,i really really cannt tahan when my loved ones shout at me infront of public take mummy and papa as example;the last time i went out with them was in my sec 1.i still remember i was choosing my hari raya clothes when suddenly papa shouted faster choose lah!damn fucking loud i tell you. i was god damn embarassed i tell you.i straight away ran away and cabbed home leaving him behind.then mum was she slapped me in the public for using the phone when walking with her that time.that part dint do anything cos i blanked out like suddenly for no reason slap me.xiao.then shout at me because she cannot find her stall.for ben case was she shouted at me because he vented his anger on me bcos of laureen.and its not his first but many times alr.
i really cannot take it until i walked away and once i walked away i would really wish i could walk away forever cos i really cannot take it eh ben not once lehh alot of times alr lehh and what i did ?kept quiet right? i your jie lehh nt your younger sister lehh show some respect can? always following ur emotions.people feeling got takecare anot arh?
when u always needed help i was there wasnt i?
idk which part im nt doing as a jie lehh..
what is it that u want from me?
im really confused! saying sorry wont make my heart heal.it will but it will take a long time.



picture taken at bintan lagoon
how i wish i was there..easing my mind with the sea breeze and the only sounds that i hear was the waves backwashing and swashing.

Sunday, April 12, 2009 12:58 AM

for the first time i miss my homies.
felt very different without them around.used to meet everyday alr wad then suddenly nvr meet for 2 straight days like very weird for me la..
hahas.kept msgin ben tat i miss him and stuffs and he said monday meet lor.then i replied said okay with a sad face .then after a few mins he called and said wanna meet me. i was overjoyed lehh.ehehe...=)
i noe he cant see me suffer from nt seeing him..hahaha..idk la.just creating it up.lol
to rahim who loves me very much.i can sense ur love but u are too far for me.
i really miss u very much.i waited for you but the feeling for me towards you is nt like last time already.it has faded cos u made me waited for you for more than a yr..but im glad u cntact me at last.im truly sory my heart is filled for someone i love and i will be waiting even it will take a decade.im willing to wait for you..=)
love is blind!
todayy..
springed cleaning my room until my sis got a nice beating from me until she cries like a baby arhh..never ever my sis cries and dint fortell me for the first time.i feel so proud. give her too much face alr until all my temper rise out of control beat her till i out of control arh until my bro in the room came and stop. who ask her dontwant pick up her stuffs.one thing about me,when i clean the house make sure nothing is on the floor or else i will go bonkers.want to sweep the floor very difficult mahh holding a broom on one hand and the other hand want to pick up stuffs.for my sister case is she kept on asking me to wait while she eats her fucking breakfast like fuck!
and i have not even touch any food since i woke up hor.i straight away get up shout the fucking whole house asking people to wake up, to ask my mum cook,my sis to wash the socks which she dont want to do at all.my sister is simply so sucky ! everything also ppl must do for her like shes a fucking queen like fuck! she cannot auto everything also must ppl ask her do want! wonder how is she gna live when she has her own house maybe a rubbish dump will be good.i even told my mum that this june she dosen go to work im gna chase her out of the room.bcos she has never faced what is hard life and what is failing.so i want her to feel how others feel when they are in diff positions.i really hope that my beating to her did wake her up.nt alot but abit can alr la..shes like 15 and never ever done her own things before like ironing her own fucking clothes,washing her own bra,her school socks,picking up her stuffs and many many more i tell you.just try staying in my house for a day and u will noe how absurd can she be.
anyway im supposed to blog about myself ended up talking bout that blood sucker.what an ass..angry mahh..haiyoo..then at afternoon go down went to meet lychee and bf and darling to smoke without bathing hor with the sweat and stuffs.smelly i think slack awhile then go up to bath cos wanted to study.ended up as per normal dint lorr..haiss...slack with yuzhan and gang talk abit of rubbish todayy nt so muchh then went to meet an old friend.so cute la she.pregnant lehh 7 mths already..i simply love pregnant mothers idk why.maybe i find them very cute thats why..hehe..then met homies.

Sunday, April 5, 2009 2:49 AM

im thinking of youu now and then boyy..
u stayed yesterday with me made my love for you grew stronger although i know its impossible between us.i simply just want ur love.tats all im asking for not much. just ur love thats the least i can ask for.dont ever judge me for the way i am.judge me for what i am. i guessed u still u dont know who is the real me but u know my strenghts and weaknesses which is weird.haa..

saturday for me turn out to be very boring alr. usually saturdays are fun but now i find it very boringgg.. supposed to go to work today suddenly students called up and say nt feeling well. i was like wtf?? this means my pay is going to be late again. im like fucking broke right now. no money le for the week.. wonder how am i gna survive?
then decide to study.study lan arhh..asking ben and greg to study is the same as asking a illiterate person to read.they dont want study arhh..i evn tell them tiz.if u r not doing tiz for me atleast study for ur gf's sake la..then came out their rubbish.greg was.my gf first from the top,me le? first from the bottom.and there i go hitting him nt to say such stuffs again cos i myself has been through wads retaining like? and it sucks okayy...everybody will treat us very differently.like kept on critisizing but for me i tahan until here i am in sec 4 taking my n levels tiz yr.unlike all my other frens gave up and cnnt tahan teachers nagging and critisism and ended up leaving sch with a sec2 leaving cert.and mostly now are jobless and working in F&B line.wasted rite? i dont want my friends to be ended up that way.if i still can push them i will try my best to push. ben part was.aiyaa..if i fail tiz yr.i want stop sch take private and i was like lan arh..no point taking private if ur heart is nt there.seriously no point taking private.the after much of talking and smoking ben and greg went to ahma place to have dinner.while me sat there and waited for ilana to come back cum reading my F&N notes.ca2 coming le.so fast.then slack awhile more then go home watch too fast too furious.funn..best!
then go down again slack.eat.smoke and smoke till coughing like fuck.change of taste todayy to menthol lehh.tats why cough. haa..
and here i am being a nite owl watching over my loved ones slping.. like reaaal.....hahahahaha.ilana forever hiding herself under her blanket.syaqinah forever tdo terngnga means open mouth when slp.ben forever scratching all over, alnin snore smoothly when slp.greg forever open his legs and slp.like reaaaal only arhh..ahhaaha. bored laaaa..going to be 330am nvr slp.siao arhh....hahah too bored le..
oh yaa...i hate past noww..i fucking hate it.as in 2-3 yrs ago.

Friday, April 3, 2009 8:22 PM

im happy today..
idk why..
well maybe 1 of it its a negative.
2nd i met him.
3rd i made a new friend
4th spend time with babyGirl
hahaha.
nonsense.
i know..
today ditch school bcos of babygirl.
and and want to know wads the reason i told mum?
dont laugh kayy...promised?=)
well this is how i lied..
tit,tit,tit, using house phone call my hp.
ring alr rite?
then i kup house house phone.pretend to ans hp.
then i was like really arh?
wad happened?
ohok.
thanks mr woo..
hahahaha
then my mum ask why and i knew she would asked haha tats why i planned like that.
then i said.today no need go school bcos bee attack and the sch has to be evacuated.
hahahahaha
i was laughing my ass off mann
in the room la.not at the living room.
then she was like panic.she asked who got stung and i said one teacher and 1 student.
then she kept talking while i slowly tuck myself in bed pulling my blanket up to go to sleep again.cool huh??
hahahaha
nice one mann..
woke up at 11 thanks to babygirl for waking me up by slapping my face.shiok arh her slap.
play2 with babygirl then bring her go meet ahmoo and gang.
then went bck home feed her then send her home.
met ahGreg buy ice milo my first consumation for the day.
im god damn hungry noww havent eat the whole day lehh..
then later some more still got go run..
dieting mann noww..
aminah too fat le..
hahas.
stress laa..exams coming mences haven come lehh
aiyaa..being a girl is so troublesome.why cant i just be a guy arhh??
a handsome one like him?
haha..waitt..he not handsome his eyes too small..
hahah.



i miss this guy up here mann..
hope i can really meet you soon..
miss yaa..*hugs





157 days down to
judgement day.
day of my hardwork to be paid off.
scared laaa